The Truth About Space Toilets

The life of a mean, stinky space pirate isn't all fun, fighting and flatulence.  If you want to join our ranks you'll need to undergo some serious training (and I don't just mean insult lessons). The truth is, space travel gets pretty uncomfortable if you don't know how to use the toilet...

The 12 Days of Pirate Christmas

Ahoy there, me farty hearties! It's a feast of foulsome festive fun aboard the pirate space ship at the moment as we set sail for Christmas. Long John Mercury has hung up all our stinky socks ready for Santa - we'll have to hope our lumps of Moon-coal don't fall through the gaping holes in the toes.  

Not long to go now until the big day... just time for a few thousand rounds of my favourite Christmas song. Join in if you know the tune:

On the first day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
A fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the second day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the third day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the fourth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the fifth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the sixth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the seventh day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the eighth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the ninth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the tenth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Ten lice a-leaping,
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Nothing.
What do you mean nothing? 
Why, the scurvy little skinflint... wait 'til I get my hands on him...


On the twelfth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Twelve trumpers trumping,
Eleven nasty nothings
Ten lice a-leaping,
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME!!!

Sound the stinkhorn! Alert the pong-press!  MY book, all about ME, Beastly Blackbeard the Bad, is finally here! Unfortunately it also stars that irritating earthsqueak of a schoolboy, Jake, and his pink-haired pestbeetle of a grandmother, but I'm sure I'll get the better of them this time.  After all, it is called BLACKBEARD'S REVENGE.  

If you'd like to get your hands on a copy, send your parent over to Amazon.com or Amazon.uk, and prepare for some big laughs, some exciting adventure, and a smell that's out of this world...

How To Cut Your Nails In Space.

Anyone brave (or foolish) enough to venture on board my spaceship might have noticed the pile of filthy toenail clippings in the middle of the floor. In fact you can't really miss it.  It's not quite high enough to reach the ceiling yet, but it's getting there... 

I think it it adds a touch of pirate class, personally (as well as being a handy hideout for space-lice), but your Earthsqueak astronauts are much fussier about their nail clippings: 

How to Brush Your Teeth in Space (Unless You're a Stinky Pirate)

One of the best things about being a stinky space pirate with brain-blastingly bad breath is NEVER having to brush your teeth.  But life's not so easy for you goody-goody Earthlings,with your horribly healthy hygiene habits. Brushing your teeth in space can be tricky - especially if you forget to switch your gravity booster on...

Shakespeare, Roald Dahl and Me!

Ahoy there me hearties! Today's post first appeared as a guest blog on the fabulous wordspelunking blogspot. I'm reposting it here today to remind you irksome little earthworms (sorry, I mean earthlings) about the importance of PROPER INSULTS.  So then....  Read. Remember. And let rip with the rascally rudeness!

My name is Bloodthirsty Blackbeard the Bad (my friends call me Blackbeard for short, or at least they would if I had any) and I’m the fearsome Captain of an elite gang of beastly buccaneers. If you’ve ever looked up into the star-studded night sky and thought, Ugh, what’s that terrible stench? then that was probably us. (You’re welcome.) You see, in the cut-throat world of inter-galactic piracy, hideous hygiene habits are all the rage. Bad smells totally rock. Or should that be totally reek? Either way, it’s been two decades since any of us took a bath and that was only for a dare. But I’m not here to tell you about our malodorous magnificence or our putrid pirate pong... No, today I want to talk about a subject even closer to my heart: The Fine Art of the Insult.

Of course you chapter-chomping chimp-brains down on Planet Earth have been insulting each other for centuries now. And, I must admit, you’re rather good at it. Shakespeare’s plays are bursting with lovely juicy insults to use on your enemies, or on people who used to be your friends before you started insulting them. Some are probably too rude to mention here but you might like to try “Ye mad headed ape,” for starters, or “tripe visaged rascal.” I don’t imagine anyone (with the possible exception of Long John Mercury) appreciates being told they have the head of a monkey or a face like the inside of a cow’s stomach. And of course “base dunghill villain,” is another good one. I used it on a pesky prisoner just last week while he was walking the plank. In fact they were probably the last words he heard before he floated off to his doom... So long, you base dunghill villain. Enjoy your trip!

When it comes to literary insults, Roald Dahl is up there with the best. This passage from Matilda is an absolute corker:

“You ignorant little slug!" the Trunchbull bellowed. "You witless weed! You empty-headed hamster! You stupid glob of glue!” 

Calling people slugs is a great idea and words like ‘witless’ and ‘empty-headed’ are bound to make your victims’ blood boil!  Stringing insults together into a long list is also a top tip for getting under people’s skin. Even rude rascals like me can learn a thing or two about name-calling from the great Agatha Trunchbull.

And what about these breathtaking beauties from Matilda?  I think you’ll agree they take insulting to the next level:

“You blithering idiot! You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! You bursting blister! You moth-eaten maggot!”

What I particularly like here is the use of alliteration in ‘fleabitten fungus’, ‘bursting blister’ and ‘moth-eaten maggot’. Starting your insults and threats with the same letter always adds a certain something and gives them a nice satisfying feel on your tongue. When I’m threatening Jake and his Moon Granny in my book I often indulge in a spot of alliteration: 

“Ow!” he howled. “I’ll get you for that, you sniveling little snot rag. I’ll fillet you like a flounder.” He sucked at his throbbing red fingers. “I’ll roast you like a rack of ribs. I’ll have your brains for burgers.”

Chasing a scurvy schoolboy around his grandmother’s spaceship, while sucking your poor injured fingers, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy playing around with words at the same time!

You’ll notice I went with a food theme for that particular round of threats. A classy touch, I’m sure you’ll agree. And food items work equally well in insults, especially when teamed up with a part of the body – how about ‘broccoli brains’ or ‘banana-bellied blockhead’?  A fine pair of insults that work well in any social situation requiring a complete lack of tact or basic human politeness. Speaking of which, you should have seen the look on the pizza delivery boy’s face last night when I called him a ‘flapping fish-faced fool’. It was a classic!

“I didn’t ride halfway across the universe just to be insulted,” I could hear him shouting through the hatch, after I’d snatched my pizza out of his hands without paying.

“Of course you didn’t,” I shouted back sympathetically. I may be mean and menacing but I’m not totally unreasonable. “You rode halfway across the universe to deliver my deep crust ham and pineapple, extra large, and then be insulted.”

 For some reason he didn’t throw in a free side of garlic bread.

Oops! I’ve just looked at the time (no easy feat when the spaceship clock’s covered in dirty underpants and used teabags) and realised I’m late for my next round of pirate pillaging and looting. That’s going to have to be it for today I’m afraid, apart from one final tip: the animal kingdom down on your funny little planet is an absolute gift to the would-be insulter. Insects and fish have some of the best names ever... think ‘apple maggot’; ‘booklouse’; ‘pigfish’ or ‘shovelnose’. Many of them are readymade standalone insults just waiting to be used!  So if you’d like to follow in my offensive, friendless ways, all you need to do is grab yourself an animal encyclopaedia and get going!

Well, what are you waiting for, you lazy little locusts... you miserable monkey-mouthed mealy bugs...?  

The Sweet Smell of Revenge (Even Sweeter Than My Stinky Pirate Armpits)

Ahoy there you measly mumble-monkeys! 

Exciting news beaming in from Space Stench HQ: my writer has finally seen the error of her ways and written a proper sequel to The Adventures of Jake and Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic! And this time it's going to have MY name on the cover! Yes, Blackbeard's Revenge will be winging it's way to you miserable Earthlings later this year. 

What dashing adventures await me this time, I wonder? Will I be as handsomely stinky as ever? Will I find my precious Fluffykins? Fingers crossed. And let's hope I finally get to blast that bothersome boy and his gruesome Granny into outer space! Watch out for more publication updates nearer the time.