The 12 Days of Pirate Christmas

Ahoy there, me farty hearties! It's a feast of foulsome festive fun aboard the pirate space ship at the moment as we set sail for Christmas. Long John Mercury has hung up all our stinky socks ready for Santa - we'll have to hope our lumps of Moon-coal don't fall through the gaping holes in the toes.  

Not long to go now until the big day... just time for a few thousand rounds of my favourite Christmas song. Join in if you know the tune:

On the first day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
A fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the second day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the third day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the fourth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the fifth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the sixth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the seventh day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the eighth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the ninth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the tenth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Ten lice a-leaping,
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Nothing.
What do you mean nothing? 
Why, the scurvy little skinflint... wait 'til I get my hands on him...


On the twelfth day of Christmas Long John Mercury sent to me:
Twelve trumpers trumping,
Eleven nasty nothings
Ten lice a-leaping,
Nine hateful glances,
Eight toads a-sulking,
Seven snotbugs screaming,
Six greasy scrapings,
Five moldy things,
Four cosmic burps,
Three stench scents, 
Two dirty gloves
& a fart-midge and a spare flea.

The Ultimate Christmas Wish List

Are you stuck for gift ideas for the space pirate in your life? Are you struggling to find that perfect something for that special stinky someone? Then look no further, me hearties, 'cause I've got Christmas all wrapped up, courtesy of Blackbeard's Beastly Bag of Bounty (like a stinky Santa Sack, if you will):

1) A treasure map. 

Every pirate loves treasure maps. It goes without saying. But why not go that little bit further by opting for a scented version?  Simply soak a sponge in four day old fish guts and blackened banana skins and wipe across the map, taking care not to smudge the ink. Voila! It really is as easy as that. And a little bit of moudly cheese on the X marking the spot is bound to bring a festive smile to your not-so-cuddly pirate's face!

2) Socks. 

Ha!  That surprised you didn't it!  Because let's face it no one likes getting socks for Christmas... apart from stinky space pirates. And why's that I hear you ask?  Well if you want to know the answer I suggest you put down your sandwich first... it might put you off your lunch. It's our toenails you see.  They're so long and black and twisted with age and dirt that they cut straight through the ends of our socks!  Yes, even the ones that are super-stiff with crusted on dirt.  And if there's one thing a pirate hates it's cold toes. (In fact there are another 8,956 things that I hate but that's a list for another day).


3) Soap and Bubble bath.

Only joking! If you gave me either of those for Christmas I'd have you walking the plank quicker than you could say "Down with Jake and his meddlesome Moon Granny."


4) A new laser pistol.

Preferably one that doubled up as a TV remote control because I hate having to get up out of the hammock to switch channels. 


5) A Year's Subscription to Space Smells Weekly.

(I especially like the problem pages.  I love laughing at other people's problems, don't you?)


6) Cutlery.

We lost all our ship's cutlery under piles of apple cores and dirty underpants. Most of the time we just eat with our fingers so it doesn't matter but stew's a bit tricky...


7) A Visitors Book.

It might be nice to keep a record of who we've kidnapped and how much ransom money we got for them.


8) A plug-in air freshener.

Just in case my Mum drops in for a visit. Vanilla & Vomit scent is always a winner.


9) A 'Putrid Pete & the Pig-faced Poodles' greatest hits CD.

The man is a legend.  No one can sing quite as badly as him.  And the barking backing group lends a certain ear-splitting something.


10) Last but DEFINITELY not least... a copy of The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic by Jaye Seymour. I never get tired of reading about my amazing adventures and dashing exploits. It's just a shame about the Jake and Moon Granny bits...