Ahoy there me hearties! Today's post first appeared as a guest blog on
the fabulous wordspelunking blogspot. I'm
reposting it here today to remind you irksome little earthworms (sorry, I mean
earthlings) about the importance of PROPER INSULTS. So then.... Read.
Remember. And let rip with the rascally rudeness!
My name is
Bloodthirsty Blackbeard the Bad (my friends call me Blackbeard for short, or at
least they would if I had any) and I’m the fearsome Captain of an elite gang of
beastly buccaneers. If you’ve ever looked up into the star-studded night sky
and thought, Ugh, what’s that terrible stench? then that was probably us. (You’re welcome.) You see,
in the cut-throat world of inter-galactic piracy, hideous hygiene habits are
all the rage. Bad smells totally rock. Or should that be totally reek? Either
way, it’s been two decades since any of us took a bath and that was only for a
dare. But I’m not here to tell you about our malodorous magnificence or our
putrid pirate pong... No, today I want to talk about a subject even closer to
my heart: The Fine Art of the Insult.
Of course you chapter-chomping chimp-brains down on
Planet Earth have been insulting each other for centuries now. And, I must
admit, you’re rather good at it. Shakespeare’s plays are bursting with lovely
juicy insults to use on your enemies, or on people who used to
be your friends before you started insulting them. Some are probably too rude
to mention here but
you might like to try “Ye mad headed ape,” for starters, or “tripe visaged
rascal.” I don’t imagine anyone (with the possible exception of Long John
Mercury) appreciates being told they have the head of a monkey or a face like
the inside of a cow’s stomach. And of course “base dunghill villain,” is
another good one. I used it on a pesky prisoner just last week while he was
walking the plank. In fact they were probably the last words he heard before he
floated off to his doom... So
long, you base dunghill villain. Enjoy your trip!
When it comes to literary insults, Roald Dahl is up there with the best.
This passage from Matilda is an absolute corker:
“You
ignorant little slug!" the Trunchbull bellowed. "You witless weed!
You empty-headed hamster! You stupid glob of glue!”
Calling people slugs is a great idea and words like ‘witless’ and
‘empty-headed’ are bound to make your victims’ blood boil! Stringing
insults together into a long list is also a top tip for getting under people’s
skin. Even rude rascals like me can learn a thing or two about name-calling
from the great Agatha Trunchbull.
And what about these breathtaking beauties from Matilda? I
think you’ll agree they take insulting to the next level:
“You blithering
idiot! You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! You bursting blister! You
moth-eaten maggot!”
What I particularly like here is the use of
alliteration in ‘fleabitten fungus’, ‘bursting blister’ and ‘moth-eaten
maggot’. Starting your insults and threats with the same letter always adds a
certain something and gives them a nice satisfying feel on your tongue. When
I’m threatening Jake and his Moon Granny in my book I often indulge in a spot
of alliteration:
“Ow!” he howled.
“I’ll get you for that, you sniveling little snot rag. I’ll fillet you like a
flounder.” He sucked at his throbbing red fingers. “I’ll roast you like a rack
of ribs. I’ll have your brains for burgers.”
Chasing a scurvy schoolboy around his grandmother’s spaceship, while
sucking your poor injured fingers, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy playing around
with words at the same time!
You’ll notice I went with a food theme for that particular round of
threats. A classy touch, I’m sure you’ll agree. And food items work equally
well in insults, especially when teamed up with a part of the body – how about
‘broccoli brains’ or ‘banana-bellied blockhead’? A fine pair of
insults that work well in any social situation requiring a complete lack of
tact or basic human politeness. Speaking of which, you should have seen the
look on the pizza delivery boy’s face last night when I called him a ‘flapping
fish-faced fool’. It was a classic!
“I didn’t ride halfway across the
universe just to be insulted,” I could hear him shouting through the hatch,
after I’d snatched my pizza out of his hands without paying.
“Of course you didn’t,” I shouted back
sympathetically. I may be mean and menacing but I’m not totally unreasonable.
“You rode halfway across the universe to deliver my deep crust ham and
pineapple, extra large, and then be insulted.”
For some reason he didn’t throw
in a free side of garlic bread.
Oops! I’ve just looked at the time (no easy feat when the spaceship
clock’s covered in dirty underpants and used teabags) and realised I’m late for
my next round of pirate pillaging and looting. That’s going to have to be it
for today I’m afraid, apart from one final tip: the animal kingdom down on your
funny little planet is an absolute gift to the would-be insulter. Insects and
fish have some of the best names ever... think ‘apple maggot’; ‘booklouse’;
‘pigfish’ or ‘shovelnose’. Many of them are readymade standalone insults just
waiting to be used! So if you’d like to follow in my offensive,
friendless ways, all you need to do is grab yourself an animal encyclopaedia
and get going!
Well, what are you waiting for, you lazy little locusts... you miserable
monkey-mouthed mealy bugs...?
