Are you stuck for gift ideas for the space pirate in your life? Are you struggling to find that perfect something for that special stinky someone? Then look no further, me hearties, 'cause I've got Christmas all wrapped up, courtesy of Blackbeard's Beastly Bag of Bounty (like a stinky Santa Sack, if you will):
1) A treasure map.
Every pirate loves treasure maps. It goes without saying. But why not go that little bit further by opting for a scented version? Simply soak a sponge in four day old fish guts and blackened banana skins and wipe across the map, taking care not to smudge the ink. Voila! It really is as easy as that. And a little bit of moudly cheese on the X marking the spot is bound to bring a festive smile to your not-so-cuddly pirate's face!
2) Socks.
Ha! That surprised you didn't it! Because let's face it no one likes getting socks for Christmas... apart from stinky space pirates. And why's that I hear you ask? Well if you want to know the answer I suggest you put down your sandwich first... it might put you off your lunch. It's our toenails you see. They're so long and black and twisted with age and dirt that they cut straight through the ends of our socks! Yes, even the ones that are super-stiff with crusted on dirt. And if there's one thing a pirate hates it's cold toes. (In fact there are another 8,956 things that I hate but that's a list for another day).
3) Soap and Bubble bath.
Only joking! If you gave me either of those for Christmas I'd have you walking the plank quicker than you could say "Down with Jake and his meddlesome Moon Granny."
4) A new laser pistol.
Preferably one that doubled up as a TV remote control because I hate having to get up out of the hammock to switch channels.
5) A Year's Subscription to Space Smells Weekly.
(I especially like the problem pages. I love laughing at other people's problems, don't you?)
6) Cutlery.
We lost all our ship's cutlery under piles of apple cores and dirty underpants. Most of the time we just eat with our fingers so it doesn't matter but stew's a bit tricky...
7) A Visitors Book.
It might be nice to keep a record of who we've kidnapped and how much ransom money we got for them.
8) A plug-in air freshener.
Just in case my Mum drops in for a visit. Vanilla & Vomit scent is always a winner.
9) A 'Putrid Pete & the Pig-faced Poodles' greatest hits CD.
The man is a legend. No one can sing quite as badly as him. And the barking backing group lends a certain ear-splitting something.
10) Last but DEFINITELY not least... a copy of The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic by Jaye Seymour. I never get tired of reading about my amazing adventures and dashing exploits. It's just a shame about the Jake and Moon Granny bits...
