The Ultimate Christmas Wish List

Are you stuck for gift ideas for the space pirate in your life? Are you struggling to find that perfect something for that special stinky someone? Then look no further, me hearties, 'cause I've got Christmas all wrapped up, courtesy of Blackbeard's Beastly Bag of Bounty (like a stinky Santa Sack, if you will):

1) A treasure map. 

Every pirate loves treasure maps. It goes without saying. But why not go that little bit further by opting for a scented version?  Simply soak a sponge in four day old fish guts and blackened banana skins and wipe across the map, taking care not to smudge the ink. Voila! It really is as easy as that. And a little bit of moudly cheese on the X marking the spot is bound to bring a festive smile to your not-so-cuddly pirate's face!

2) Socks. 

Ha!  That surprised you didn't it!  Because let's face it no one likes getting socks for Christmas... apart from stinky space pirates. And why's that I hear you ask?  Well if you want to know the answer I suggest you put down your sandwich first... it might put you off your lunch. It's our toenails you see.  They're so long and black and twisted with age and dirt that they cut straight through the ends of our socks!  Yes, even the ones that are super-stiff with crusted on dirt.  And if there's one thing a pirate hates it's cold toes. (In fact there are another 8,956 things that I hate but that's a list for another day).


3) Soap and Bubble bath.

Only joking! If you gave me either of those for Christmas I'd have you walking the plank quicker than you could say "Down with Jake and his meddlesome Moon Granny."


4) A new laser pistol.

Preferably one that doubled up as a TV remote control because I hate having to get up out of the hammock to switch channels. 


5) A Year's Subscription to Space Smells Weekly.

(I especially like the problem pages.  I love laughing at other people's problems, don't you?)


6) Cutlery.

We lost all our ship's cutlery under piles of apple cores and dirty underpants. Most of the time we just eat with our fingers so it doesn't matter but stew's a bit tricky...


7) A Visitors Book.

It might be nice to keep a record of who we've kidnapped and how much ransom money we got for them.


8) A plug-in air freshener.

Just in case my Mum drops in for a visit. Vanilla & Vomit scent is always a winner.


9) A 'Putrid Pete & the Pig-faced Poodles' greatest hits CD.

The man is a legend.  No one can sing quite as badly as him.  And the barking backing group lends a certain ear-splitting something.


10) Last but DEFINITELY not least... a copy of The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic by Jaye Seymour. I never get tired of reading about my amazing adventures and dashing exploits. It's just a shame about the Jake and Moon Granny bits...

The Fine Art of Insults

Listen up, you repulsive rabbit-eared rascals! If you want to know how to insult your friends and family in style, then head over to the fabulous Word Spelunking blog to check out my guest post today. Of course if you do try it out and get into terrible trouble with your Mum / best friend / scary wart-nosed teacher, I'll deny everything.  That's the kind of mean, low-down pirate I am.  And proud of it.

I've got mail!!

Something rather wonderful plopped into my inbox this morning. No, it wasn't a Saturn stinkfish or an electronic copy of How to Tackle Scurvy Schoolboys and their Gruesome Grandmothers (although I could certainly do with one of those). Guess again...

That's right! It was my very first piece of pirate post. Click on YOUR PIRATE POST to see the fantastic picture sent in by Buccaneer Bob. I keep going back for another look - he's almost as handsome as me!

How to Stay Clean in Space

Pesky prisoners sometimes ask why I'm so dirty and smelly (just before I make them walk the plank for being cheeky). The simple answer is I like smelling this way. I think my special scent of cheesy feet, bananas skins and rotten fish guts is the best smell in the whole wide universe.

But there's another good reason for my whiffy ways... getting clean in space can be REALLY HARD! If you watch this video you'll see just what I mean:

Welcome aboard! I'm Bloodthirsty Blackbeard the Bad, the Beastliest Buccaneer in the universe, but you can call me Blackbeard for short. I'm the stinky star of a book called The Adventures of Jake & Moon Granny: Space Pirate Panic! but for some reason the author, Jaye Seymour, forgot to put MY name on the cover...